…expensive…

…so, I just paid for my first ever college textbooks.  Holy Crap!!!  No wonder I joined the Navy and didn’t go to college – books are expensive.  The Navy is paying for my tuition costs, but I had to shell out $160 for a book with CD (used) and a student guide manual.

This is for one course.  But, I suppose many of you already know this.  I’m just catching up and am in a little bit of shock.

Just have to remind myself that I’m only taking one course a semester, and there’s only 3 left after this first one…

…gotta love work experience credit…

…changes…

…so, my wife and I had a little bit of a talk (polite and constructive).  We both agreed that changes need to be made by both of us (all three of us really), even if we don’t agree on what changes need to be made or how to make them.

What does that mean?  Well, it means that we were able to agree that all three of us had weight problems, that all three of us have social issues, and that all three of us need help of various kinds.  What we couldn’t agree on is how to make those changes or exactly what needed to change.

For now, my efforts to get back in shape have been unsuccessful.  I need something different.  Something I know worked for me in the past.  Well, back in 1986 I bought a Raleigh Pursuit 12 speed that I rode everywhere.  I was totally in love with that bike and with riding.  I sold it 2 years later and have regretted it since.  I weighed 165 lbs (at same height of 6′4″) when I sold the bike and have steadily gained weight since up to my current 265 lbs.

So, Saturday I’m buying a bike for commuting to and from work.  I’ve poked around and have (so far) settled on a Specialized Sirrus hybrid.  I’m getting a new one for $499.  It’s not too expensive, should be durable enough for daily riding.  I can store it in my shop, and there are shower facilities at work.

My wife has decided to go on MediFast.  I think this will work.  Another neighbor has been on it for a while and has dropped a total of 110 lbs.  My wife has already been seeing a counselor, and I’ve agreed to do more than my weekly group meeting.  My daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist, and will continue (though I’m not sure sitting in front of a light is the appropriate therapy for her. I don’t see how that helps her social issues such as inconsideration, laziness, selfishness… ok I shouldn’t be doing this).

In summary, I’m going to get some one on one counselor time, start riding a bike again to get back into something I loved so long ago, and we’re all going to make an effort to lose weight.

All I have to do is learn to live with a dirty house or make time to clean it myself…

…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

…I’m tired…

…so, I'm tired.  Tired of coming home after work and doing laundry.  Tired of coming home after work and picking trash up off the floor.  Tired of coming home to put food away from the night before.  Tired of coming home to empty milk containers that are sitting on the counter 6 feet from the trash can.  Tired of coming home to a full trash can.  Tired of coming home to clean up after an adult and a 12yr old because they "couldn't get anything done".  Tired of not being able to say anything because the adult will get mad that my expectations are too high.  Tired of being told that if I say anything about cat vomit on the floor, I'm being mean.  Tired of it… just tired…

I'm depressed.  I'm emotionally drained.  There is too much wrong with this relationship to try and fix.  The relationship with my 12yr old is permanently broken.  My wife does not allow me to have any discussions with her because I'm too mean – since I can't accept her the way she is.  I thought that if you had a 12yr old that was over 300lbs and had incredibly bad eating habits (read: eats whatever/whenever because mom can't say no), that you were supposed to help them.  So, I say no when she wants a bowl of icecream (by bowl, I mean atleast measured cups) after huge (read: enough for 3 people) meal.  Therefore, I'm mean.  My wife 'takes care' of her by letting her have the huge bowl of icecream later, after I've gone to bed.  My wife supports my 12yr old's sleeping habits so as to avoid any contact with me.  She sleeps anytime I am home and awake, and is up watching tv, reading, and playing on the computer while I am at work or sleeping.

My 12yr old daughter successfully made it through the entire Father's Day without saying a single word to me.  Nothing.  The only thing she did was to sign her name on a card under duress that my wife picked out.

I hate this… everything…  why did I choose to do this?  Things were soooo different 3 years ago.

I don't have any feelings left… just drained…

…just tired…

…my place…

…so, I’ve been reflecting over the last couple of weeks looking for something inspiring and thoughtful to write – and I am trekking down the karma path again.  I feel like my place in life is to get close to understanding; get close to a known, a truth, a full realization of an abstract definition… only to find that I kick the can of enlightenment out of my reach again (not out of sight – just to make it more painful).

The miserable point of this is that I don’t directly remove the knowledge and truth about the subject (life, love, marriage, work, happiness, how to tip at dinner theatre’s) right at that moment right before epiphany(sp?).  I find that I’ve kicked the can out of reach sometime before. Maybe days, weeks, or even years.  It just sits in wait as I constantly attempt to adjust my life and my ways – until the light starts to get brighter, then it springs forth as furious as the day the regret was born.  And again, I get zapped by the karma monster.

Well, anyway… here’s some good things to refocus my attention before I fully bake in the depression for the day:

I haven’t had any alcohol in over 9 weeks.

I started working on my degree finally.

My wife says that the only reason I haven’t cheated on her is that I haven’t had the opportunity.

(ok, that last one wasn’t good – but I just can’t shake it… and she said it 4 days ago.)

Back to the college… I’ve taken a few CLEP’s.  I’m amazed at how much knowledge about random stuff I’ve accumulated over the years.  I’m a high school graduate.  I turned 18 in boot camp (17 years ago).

I CLEP’d out of: Social Sciences and History (6sh), College Algebra (3sh), English Composition (6sh), English Composition with Essay (6sh), Humanities (6sh), and Introductory Psychology (3sh).  Yep, I passed them all.  Tomorrow I take Introductory Sociology.  Then I take the courses that I know I can’t CLEP out of:  Calculus II, General Chemistry, Statistics, and Computer Programming.

Ok, that worked.  I’m sufficiently refocused.  Then I’ll be the 4th out of 5 in my immediate family to get a degree (even though I’m the oldest kid).  My Mom and younger brother both have Masters Degree’s, and my Dad has a BA.  Mine will be a BSAST (Bachelor[sp?] of Science in Associated Science Technology with a major in Nuclear Engineering Technology).  Of course, my Mom’s Masters in Education looks impressive and my younger brother is a lawyer.  So, maybe I’ll have to get a second degree.  That just leaves my youngest brother.  He’s in finance and is the smartest of all 5 of us.  He gets too easily bored with the general subjects.  I’ll have to talk to him about the CLEP’s.

Well, this was good therapy.  I feel better and need to shower and get ready for work.  This blog thing is good therapy.

…oh, and to help get the karma can moving down the field in the other direction, I helped my daughter1’s friend’s mom out by fixing a flat…

…but, don’t let me forget to talk about daughter2 and ex-son2 – just not right now…