Well, I still haven’t fixed my truck transmission. However, I have cleaned out the garage, built two workbenches, and organized everything – so at least I have space to start fixing it. That project is coming closer and closer. Of course, not driving it has been great. However, I have enjoyed the savings in gas from not driving the truck. It’s been a year to the month, and I used to spend almost $200/mo in gas to drive the truck. So, the transmission is essentially paid for in gas savings.

Let’s see, other news… ummm… oh, yeah – I had shingles in late July and most of August. That was loads of fun. I couldn’t ride my bike for three and a half weeks. I finally started riding my bike again after the shingles cleared up, and then I sprained my right knee. So, I’m waiting for that to heal up. I pulled my MCL, the ligament on the inner side of my knee. I’ll be getting an x-ray and an MRI this week to see if there is any other damage. But, still can’t ride the bike.

I finished my chemistry class. I only have one class left to get my degree. I haven’t started it yet. I’m thinking early next year. Too much other stuff going on, and this last class, Calculus II, will be the hardest one.

I’m getting my pilot license. I’ve had 4 flights so far. This is something I should have done years and years ago. So much fun. Amazing. Possibly a backup plan for after I retire from the Navy.

I have quit trying to maintain contact with my daughter2 (lives in Georgia with my ex). My ex was awful. She absolutely drove the poor girl to tears every time I called. She had to have me on the speaker phone, and would only say what her mom was telling her to say. What a bunch of crap. So, I was never even talking to her, I was really talking to my ex. The emotional strain was horrible. She doesn’t need that kind of pressure and conflict. I finally decided that she would be better off if I just never called… Anything anyone will say about how I am not trying hard enough or doing the right things did not see what was happening. I’d rather she grow up hating me and thinking I gave up than suffer the constant emotional abuse from her mother. As far as karma goes, I’m sure this will come back to bite later. This will be a big old karma sandwich I’ll have to choke down. My only hope is that after she is out on her own, I can make contact and start repairs to the relationship. If not, I’ll have to live with that.

Other than that? Well, I’ve been sober for over 17 months now. Not a drink. After you balance the ledger with the good and the bad, the balance comes out that I’m doing good…

Well, it’s been awhile. I started this when I was working through some issues and this was a good outlet to discuss issues and thoughts in ‘private’. Ironic, I know. In doing all that, you can see in some of my previous posts, I bought a bicycle.

Life changing.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed riding until I got back on the saddle. As far as hobbies go, this one has overtaken most of my more minor obsessions and has left me with more focused goals, for the better.

Other changes? Well, x-wife moved back to mainland, and sure enough – I haven’t heard from daughter2 except when the ex wanted something. No calls. Won’t talk when I call. No cards. No thank-you’s for the cards I send. And visitation? ha. The ex has ‘coincidentally’ scheduled my sweet girl’s summer full of activities and camps and clubs so that I would be a real monster (her words) to take her away from those just so I could selfishly (her words) see my daughter for a few weeks. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I could take legal action. Yeah, there is more to it. Nah, I’m not going to spend 5 pages talking about it all here.

Work is good. My weight is better. And I’m happier.

On to the selfish reason for updating this blog… I have a new one. Just for my biking.

http://back2dabike.wordpress.com/

To sound cliche, you can see the new me there…

Oh, other updates… over a year now without a drop of alcohol, and much better for it! Still fanatically addicted to coffee, though.

…so it’s been awhile since I posted… last one was 1st week of July.

Well, still no drinking or smoking or carbonated beverages. Still drinking a lot of coffee. Still hate my life, just not as much. Things are improving. Slowly. But improving.

I woke up totally depressed this morning. Can’t seem to shake it. I write here when I’m troubled and depressed. So, that should mean that the last few months have been better. And they have, mostly. Here’s the quick rundown on the ups and downs:

Still biking. In fact I did 50 miles in the Honolulu Century Ride in Sept! Logging about 200 miles a month on the bike between commuting and weekend rides. I’ve started planning a bicycling tour of the big island next spring. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in going yet. I’m still trying to develop a new network of friends who share biking as an interest. By that I mean, I … well … ok, so I’m not trying. I enjoy riding by myself mostly.

The X-wife and x-best friend and all the kids moved to Georgia in early Sept. I miss seeing my daughter, but the move will be better in the long run for all involved. My wife is less stressed about having to see the X all the time at the store and driving around.

My wife and I are doing slightly better. She did the MediFast thing for about 2 weeks. It was rough, but she lost about 10 lbs. Then she quit the diet. We still sleep in seperate rooms. She sleeps with the baby in the baby’s room. The baby used to sleep with us, but wouldn’t sleep the whole night. I say baby, but she’s already 19 months old. Point is, I convinced my wife that the baby should sleep in her own room. We can use a baby monitor and everything. So, she does now. So does my wife. It was depressing for a couple months, but I’m used to it now. Once in a while, she will come and lay down with me for an hour or two until the baby stirs. And she is still breastfeeding. The baby is huge. She’s tall and big and can say basic words. It gets creepy (to me) when a child can get up from her toys, walk across the room, climb into my wifes lap, pull my wifes shirt down, say “milk.milk.milk”, and go to town. But I’m an a**hole and have issues with nurturing because I don’t think that’s normal. So, I should get counseling. More counseling. There’s more on similar subjects, but I have a lot to cover here…

My daughter1 and I are getting along better. I walked into the living room last week, and she didn’t get up and leave. After about 20 minutes, SHE started a conversation with me! I couldn’t believe it. She still ignores me on the days that matter, just to make sure I don’t think she actually cares. My birthday was on the 3rd. Neither my daughter or my wife got me anything or said happy birthday. I bought my own cake that night. They went to different rooms to eat theirs. My wife did give me a card that said something to the effect of getting old and losing my memory and how did I like my present. How horribly mean was that!? So, I went out that night and bought myself a new computer chair. I figure the $5 chair lasted for 15 years, it was time for a new one.

I know, you’re thinking “wow… what did you do that caused that?” and I don’t have an answer for you…

Well, what else… oh, my trucks transmission went out. I’m trying to save the money to get it fixed. Horribly expensive. Nothing is cheap in Hawaii.

Not everything is always bad with my family. We went camping last month and it was awesome. Had a great time! And other good things have happened. But here, I write about the bad or depressing items to work them out in my head and get them out so I can move on with whatever it is I should really be thinking about.

Oh, and there’s a whole new development, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. A lot of memories and reminiscing. But… later…

For now, remember that life is a bottle of Tabasco. What you do now will burn your ass later…

…so, another holiday come and gone.  Daughter1 went to friends for fireworks.  Wife took daughter3 for walk to watch fireworks.  I got ready for work and went to bed.

I commuted to work via bicycle for the first time today.  Feels good.  Saving money.  Saving gas.  Spending calories.

Wife nervous about my mom coming out.  Mom will be here for a couple weeks.  My brother lives nearby, so she won’t be staying at either place the whole time, she’ll be sharing her time between us.  But, my wife’s already worrying herself sick and into a frenzy for no reason (at least from my perspective.  if I could adjust myself to her point of view, add empathy, and get inside her head to see what was really bugging her; I might have a better understanding of her concern).

And, daughter1 still hates my guts.  We went for a bike ride together to find the cellphone that had apparently dropped out of her pocket (note: phone was picked up by some other kids at a park my daughter says she didn’t go to).  Anyway, she’s 12 and if you’re under 18 here you have to wear a helmet.  She doesn’t have one (because she complained to her mom about the last 3 so she wouldn’t have to wear them, so my wife is convinced that they just don’t make one that fits her head), so I told her to wear mine.  She almost cried.  Then she said no.  Then she said it was f***ing stupid.  Then she said I was an f***ing a**hole.  I stood my ground and didn’t let up, didn’t yell, didn’t exchange insults.  Simply said that she’s required to by law, and that she’ll wear one atleast when riding with me.  So, she hates my guts…

…I am an a**hole and I hate my life, but feel good about how I handled the helmet issue.

My wife is starting medifast today.  I may start it next payday.  We’ll see.

Until later, have a better day than me…

Oh, and I made it through the 4 1/2 day weekend without any alcohol!!!  I can’t even remember how many weeks it’s been now!!!  Getting to that stage where I don’t even think about it when I’m around it…

…so, my wife and I had a little bit of a talk (polite and constructive).  We both agreed that changes need to be made by both of us (all three of us really), even if we don’t agree on what changes need to be made or how to make them.

What does that mean?  Well, it means that we were able to agree that all three of us had weight problems, that all three of us have social issues, and that all three of us need help of various kinds.  What we couldn’t agree on is how to make those changes or exactly what needed to change.

For now, my efforts to get back in shape have been unsuccessful.  I need something different.  Something I know worked for me in the past.  Well, back in 1986 I bought a Raleigh Pursuit 12 speed that I rode everywhere.  I was totally in love with that bike and with riding.  I sold it 2 years later and have regretted it since.  I weighed 165 lbs (at same height of 6′4″) when I sold the bike and have steadily gained weight since up to my current 265 lbs.

So, Saturday I’m buying a bike for commuting to and from work.  I’ve poked around and have (so far) settled on a Specialized Sirrus hybrid.  I’m getting a new one for $499.  It’s not too expensive, should be durable enough for daily riding.  I can store it in my shop, and there are shower facilities at work.

My wife has decided to go on MediFast.  I think this will work.  Another neighbor has been on it for a while and has dropped a total of 110 lbs.  My wife has already been seeing a counselor, and I’ve agreed to do more than my weekly group meeting.  My daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist, and will continue (though I’m not sure sitting in front of a light is the appropriate therapy for her. I don’t see how that helps her social issues such as inconsideration, laziness, selfishness… ok I shouldn’t be doing this).

In summary, I’m going to get some one on one counselor time, start riding a bike again to get back into something I loved so long ago, and we’re all going to make an effort to lose weight.

All I have to do is learn to live with a dirty house or make time to clean it myself…

…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

…so, I’ve been reflecting over the last couple of weeks looking for something inspiring and thoughtful to write – and I am trekking down the karma path again.  I feel like my place in life is to get close to understanding; get close to a known, a truth, a full realization of an abstract definition… only to find that I kick the can of enlightenment out of my reach again (not out of sight – just to make it more painful).

The miserable point of this is that I don’t directly remove the knowledge and truth about the subject (life, love, marriage, work, happiness, how to tip at dinner theatre’s) right at that moment right before epiphany(sp?).  I find that I’ve kicked the can out of reach sometime before. Maybe days, weeks, or even years.  It just sits in wait as I constantly attempt to adjust my life and my ways – until the light starts to get brighter, then it springs forth as furious as the day the regret was born.  And again, I get zapped by the karma monster.

Well, anyway… here’s some good things to refocus my attention before I fully bake in the depression for the day:

I haven’t had any alcohol in over 9 weeks.

I started working on my degree finally.

My wife says that the only reason I haven’t cheated on her is that I haven’t had the opportunity.

(ok, that last one wasn’t good – but I just can’t shake it… and she said it 4 days ago.)

Back to the college… I’ve taken a few CLEP’s.  I’m amazed at how much knowledge about random stuff I’ve accumulated over the years.  I’m a high school graduate.  I turned 18 in boot camp (17 years ago).

I CLEP’d out of: Social Sciences and History (6sh), College Algebra (3sh), English Composition (6sh), English Composition with Essay (6sh), Humanities (6sh), and Introductory Psychology (3sh).  Yep, I passed them all.  Tomorrow I take Introductory Sociology.  Then I take the courses that I know I can’t CLEP out of:  Calculus II, General Chemistry, Statistics, and Computer Programming.

Ok, that worked.  I’m sufficiently refocused.  Then I’ll be the 4th out of 5 in my immediate family to get a degree (even though I’m the oldest kid).  My Mom and younger brother both have Masters Degree’s, and my Dad has a BA.  Mine will be a BSAST (Bachelor[sp?] of Science in Associated Science Technology with a major in Nuclear Engineering Technology).  Of course, my Mom’s Masters in Education looks impressive and my younger brother is a lawyer.  So, maybe I’ll have to get a second degree.  That just leaves my youngest brother.  He’s in finance and is the smartest of all 5 of us.  He gets too easily bored with the general subjects.  I’ll have to talk to him about the CLEP’s.

Well, this was good therapy.  I feel better and need to shower and get ready for work.  This blog thing is good therapy.

…oh, and to help get the karma can moving down the field in the other direction, I helped my daughter1’s friend’s mom out by fixing a flat…

…but, don’t let me forget to talk about daughter2 and ex-son2 – just not right now… 

…so, I was driving home after my morning workout (yes, I'm finally trying to actively do something positive for my body besides quitting things [I've quit alcohol, nicotine, and all carbonated soda]) (<— look at that – nested notes )

Anyway… driving home, and I passed that same homeless guy I made the post about on the 15th.  This time I didn't give any handouts.  His sign says 'Help a Vet'.  Since I'm military, should I be helping this guy out more so than someone who has signs like these: 'Help a Bum', or 'Homeless, need money', or even one this bold (though I don't think the homeless would actually wear a shirt like this) 'Need money for alcohol research'?

Anyway, lets see how today goes.  Is there a religion based on karma?  Without googling anything, I believe that hinduism has a lot to do with it.  Any others?  Maybe we need a karma religion.  Though, I suppose it would be a philosophy by definition.  And, well, it kind of already is a philosophy.  So… maybe we just need to set up a formal organization of karmic students to study and follow the philosophy of karma…

In fact, we could meet once a month, incorporate some ideas out of the AA program, and the TV show 'My name is Earl'.  We could have a support group and talk about progress on our karma lists.  We would need a meeting place.  A formal organization like this would need it's own building to be taken seriously.  Of course, that would mean money from donations.

Can you pay off karma?  Would it bring bad karma on the person accepting the money?  For karma to work, doesn't someone eventually have to effectively say 'no' and stop the cycle?

…so, while I get ready for work this morning, I'm going to dig around for a couple extra bucks for that homeless guy… time to work on paying off my bad karma…

Good thing I'm getting a part time job to supplement my income…

…so I get to see daughter 2 today (names omitted for privacy).

I feel like doing some miniature golfing or maybe bowling.  She enjoys that stuff.  So does x-son.  Kind of cool outside today and breezy, so it would be perfect for something outside.

Anyway, just to understand how bad I've screwed up my life and how it's affected others, I have 3 girls.  Girls 1 and 3 live with me and my wife (their mother).  Girl 2 lives with her mother and my ex-goodfriend.  I had girl 1 out of wedlock with mother 1 (wife 2), then married mother 2 (wife 1).  Then ex-goodfriend and wife 1 decided they'd be happier together, so we divorced – really ugly divorce (but they planned it out so well and so far in advance that they were able to get married within a week of the divorce! good on them).  Got back together with mother 1 and she became wife 2.  Then we had girl 3.  Meanwhile, while married to wife 1, she was already the mother of 1 girl and 2 boys.  Therefore x-girl1 and x-son1 and x-son2.  Since the divorce and remarriages, x-girl1 and x-son1 really don't want much to do with me (I was dad3 for x-girl1 and dad2 for x-son1 – and no, none of wife1's kids have the same dads).  But, x-son2 still loves me like a dad1 even though for him, I was a dad2.  And he will always be a son1 to me.  Of course, this causes problems with wife 2…

…but I've said too much already…

I think I'll go wash the car… before wife2 wakes up…

…so what is it called when someone goes to start a project, and you offer your advice (since you're helping) on how you'd do it, the other person says ok or nothing at all, you go on with the project, then at the end, the other person is insanely mad at you for changing the plan?

Let's swap shirts:  I'm going to make a dinner and am going to cook something in a certain pan.  Someone has volunteered to help and recommends a different pan, and they even get it out.  Hmmm… if I behave as in the first scenario, I'd let them do what they want and get mad at them afterwards for changing the plan.

What I'd really do is say "no, that's ok, I'm going to use this pan" get the pan, and continue on… because anything else is getting mad at someone for letting them control my actions, which is really just getting mad that I'm weak willed… right?

Please tell me if I'm screwed up on this viewpoint of mine!… Please…

As it is, I think I'm sleeping alone tonight because I didn't wash 2 cars at once…

…nevermind, this suddenly seems silly and I'm letting someone else control my emotions about a silly issue… let them be mad…

"…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…"

…so, I sat down for a tournament game last night at a new place.  It was a tournament with an extremely wallet friendly $10 buy in.  It should have been an easy table to win at.  I'd played with a couple of them before and kinda knew what to expect from them.  Everyone (except me) was drinking and having a good time.  Nearly every hand was a limp-in for everybody, and there were LOTS of checks until the river.

I was the first one out.

What happened?  Well, I was throwing away a lot of hands that most of the other guys would have stayed with… like 10 and 8 offsuit, or 4 and K offsuit…  and while they were busy taking turns raking in small pots with hands like a pair of tens, I sat out and watched.

Then I got a hand worth raising a little pre-flop.  AJ diamonds.  So, on a big blind of 30, I raised it to 60 (and I was the big blind).  Everyone called.  I didn't hit the flop, and the guy to my right checked.  I led out like it didn't matter if I didn't hit the flop with a bet of 60.  Everyone called.  The turn didn't help, but I couldn't check or I'd give away what I was in on.  I wanted to represent a pocket pair that hit the flop or turn, so I raised up my bet to 150.  Finally a couple people folded.  Two stayed in.  After the river (which also didn't help me), I led out with 200.  One caller.  I had Ace High, but was bluffing.  I figured the guy who stayed had a big hand and would re-raise to see where I really stood, or fold.  He just called, and his 10 and 6 hole cards netted him a two pair.  He was in the hand for over 80% of his chips with a two pair that he caught on the river.

So, after that I took two more smaller hits, lost a pair of Aces to a full house and I can't even remember the last one.  I was all in blind on my last hand as the big blind with 3 callers and lost.

…(whistles): "it was a crazy game of poker, and I lost it all"… O.A.R.

And I pretty much don't like poker anymore… atleast for a day or two… I'm pouting…

Lesson: cheap games are not serious games.

… and for those wondering, yes – I made it through another night without drinking…

6 weeks and counting…