…there’s got to be a name for this…

…so what is it called when someone goes to start a project, and you offer your advice (since you're helping) on how you'd do it, the other person says ok or nothing at all, you go on with the project, then at the end, the other person is insanely mad at you for changing the plan?

Let's swap shirts:  I'm going to make a dinner and am going to cook something in a certain pan.  Someone has volunteered to help and recommends a different pan, and they even get it out.  Hmmm… if I behave as in the first scenario, I'd let them do what they want and get mad at them afterwards for changing the plan.

What I'd really do is say "no, that's ok, I'm going to use this pan" get the pan, and continue on… because anything else is getting mad at someone for letting them control my actions, which is really just getting mad that I'm weak willed… right?

Please tell me if I'm screwed up on this viewpoint of mine!… Please…

As it is, I think I'm sleeping alone tonight because I didn't wash 2 cars at once…

…nevermind, this suddenly seems silly and I'm letting someone else control my emotions about a silly issue… let them be mad…

"…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…"

…another poker night…

…so, I sat down for a tournament game last night at a new place.  It was a tournament with an extremely wallet friendly $10 buy in.  It should have been an easy table to win at.  I'd played with a couple of them before and kinda knew what to expect from them.  Everyone (except me) was drinking and having a good time.  Nearly every hand was a limp-in for everybody, and there were LOTS of checks until the river.

I was the first one out.

What happened?  Well, I was throwing away a lot of hands that most of the other guys would have stayed with… like 10 and 8 offsuit, or 4 and K offsuit…  and while they were busy taking turns raking in small pots with hands like a pair of tens, I sat out and watched.

Then I got a hand worth raising a little pre-flop.  AJ diamonds.  So, on a big blind of 30, I raised it to 60 (and I was the big blind).  Everyone called.  I didn't hit the flop, and the guy to my right checked.  I led out like it didn't matter if I didn't hit the flop with a bet of 60.  Everyone called.  The turn didn't help, but I couldn't check or I'd give away what I was in on.  I wanted to represent a pocket pair that hit the flop or turn, so I raised up my bet to 150.  Finally a couple people folded.  Two stayed in.  After the river (which also didn't help me), I led out with 200.  One caller.  I had Ace High, but was bluffing.  I figured the guy who stayed had a big hand and would re-raise to see where I really stood, or fold.  He just called, and his 10 and 6 hole cards netted him a two pair.  He was in the hand for over 80% of his chips with a two pair that he caught on the river.

So, after that I took two more smaller hits, lost a pair of Aces to a full house and I can't even remember the last one.  I was all in blind on my last hand as the big blind with 3 callers and lost.

…(whistles): "it was a crazy game of poker, and I lost it all"… O.A.R.

And I pretty much don't like poker anymore… atleast for a day or two… I'm pouting…

Lesson: cheap games are not serious games.

… and for those wondering, yes – I made it through another night without drinking…

6 weeks and counting…

…unsettled…

…wow, really tense today.  I mean right on the edge of agitated.  Can’t shake it.  Atleast I’m not floating around through the day drifting through half a dozen unfinished projects.  A tense, agitated, somber mood invokes the ability to concentrate and focus.

So, I’m actually accomplishing minor projects, meaning I’m completing them with some level of order and direction.

I drink a LOT of coffee…  didn’t realize just how much before.  With no alcohol, no nicotine ( I haven’t smoked or dipped in over a year), does coffee have a larger role in my daily mood?  Does it play a larger part in guiding my emotions and reactions?

Hmmmm…  things to think about.

I need another job.  Not change jobs, I love the Navy.  I mean a supplemental part-time income.  I’m on shore duty for a couple more years, and my hours are not too tough.  I suppose I could do customer service somewhere.  I’ll just have to watch my language.

Really, it’s either get a second job or take out a loan to pay for gas.  I mean – wow… what is going on?  Is there a conspiracy to drive people towards the alternative fuel and electric vehicles due to lackluster sales?  They’ve invested tons of money in the technology, too much to have sales of these alternative vehicles show up as barely a blip.

Personally, I’m interested in the big engine muscle cars.  But, it costs me.

…so, a second job…

“Welcome to WalMart”

…poker : R140934ZMAY06

…so poker really sucked tonight.  4 cards to an open-ended straight flush draw on the board, the guy to my left is betting weak with checking and calling.  Any of 9 other spades would have a flush, and two of those would give the straight flush.  I'd been leading with $200 bets, so I upped my bet after the river to $500.  He raised to $1000.  I knew I didn't have it, so he must have caught it – so I folded.  Bastard had pocket 10's.  The river was a freaking 10!  He bet $1000 on trip 10's!

So, I didn't have it anyway – but what the hell?  Did he have a read on me?  Maybe he didn't realize all the outs there were.  Maybe he didn't realize what hands he was potentially playing against.

I felt better when I watched him lose a lot of stupid hands the rest of the night.

Well, the most important thing is that I made it through another night without drinking…

…marriage : R140107ZMAY06

…wow, my marriage sucks.  I don't even really have a marriage.  I have a woman that I live with that I have kids with that I give money to for groceries and clothes and stuff.  What a mothers day.  Flowers and chocolates and dinner out at her favorite place still, though…

Maybe I just don't like mothers day.  Actually, I don't really feel like participating in any holidays.  I don't just not like them, I hate them.  I hate my birthday, christmas, easter… all of them!…

Lets see – self analyzation:  holidays remind me of what a failure I am as a husband, a father and a son.  I'm like a huge disappointment walking around in human clothes.  Smile, shake hands, make 'friends'.  All only lead to me being someone everyone would have been better off not meeting.

I really think I have a negative effect on every persons life I come in contact with.

Better stop reading…

…intro : R121520ZMAY06

…so it's another Friday.  Another weekend.  Five weeks now since I last had a drink.  I am an alcoholic.  Just getting that out there for you right away.  And that's all I've got to say about anything right now…