Well, I still haven’t fixed my truck transmission. However, I have cleaned out the garage, built two workbenches, and organized everything – so at least I have space to start fixing it. That project is coming closer and closer. Of course, not driving it has been great. However, I have enjoyed the savings in gas from not driving the truck. It’s been a year to the month, and I used to spend almost $200/mo in gas to drive the truck. So, the transmission is essentially paid for in gas savings.

Let’s see, other news… ummm… oh, yeah – I had shingles in late July and most of August. That was loads of fun. I couldn’t ride my bike for three and a half weeks. I finally started riding my bike again after the shingles cleared up, and then I sprained my right knee. So, I’m waiting for that to heal up. I pulled my MCL, the ligament on the inner side of my knee. I’ll be getting an x-ray and an MRI this week to see if there is any other damage. But, still can’t ride the bike.

I finished my chemistry class. I only have one class left to get my degree. I haven’t started it yet. I’m thinking early next year. Too much other stuff going on, and this last class, Calculus II, will be the hardest one.

I’m getting my pilot license. I’ve had 4 flights so far. This is something I should have done years and years ago. So much fun. Amazing. Possibly a backup plan for after I retire from the Navy.

I have quit trying to maintain contact with my daughter2 (lives in Georgia with my ex). My ex was awful. She absolutely drove the poor girl to tears every time I called. She had to have me on the speaker phone, and would only say what her mom was telling her to say. What a bunch of crap. So, I was never even talking to her, I was really talking to my ex. The emotional strain was horrible. She doesn’t need that kind of pressure and conflict. I finally decided that she would be better off if I just never called… Anything anyone will say about how I am not trying hard enough or doing the right things did not see what was happening. I’d rather she grow up hating me and thinking I gave up than suffer the constant emotional abuse from her mother. As far as karma goes, I’m sure this will come back to bite later. This will be a big old karma sandwich I’ll have to choke down. My only hope is that after she is out on her own, I can make contact and start repairs to the relationship. If not, I’ll have to live with that.

Other than that? Well, I’ve been sober for over 17 months now. Not a drink. After you balance the ledger with the good and the bad, the balance comes out that I’m doing good…

Here’s a pic of my bike.

…at least I know I can always pedal the melancholy away… (forced half grin)

Oh, other changes I eluded to in the last post? I’m still persuing my degree. Finished a couple more classes. C++ and Technical Writing. I have two classes left. General Chemistry and Calculus II. Then I’ll have my BSAST. Pretty cool. Don’t know when I’m going to take the CalcII, but it will be this year. My Chemistry class starts next week.

Still haven’t fixed my truck transmission. I like riding the bike too much. I am aware of my laziness and if I fix the truck, I likely will drive the truck. Still haven’t sold it either. Hmmmm. Spent a little money fixing up my Jeep. It is still not running either, but it is closer than it was. It’s been a three year project (so far).

I got into HAM radio at the start of the year. I took and passed my Technician class exam in January, then the General class exam in February. With the code requirements removed, I am now a General Class HAM radio operator. Got a cheap handheld, a Yaesu FT-60R. Works pretty good.

Haven’t played much poker. I have noticed that the less I play, the worse I play when I do play.

Other than that, check out my new blog over at back2dabike to see what I’ve been up to.

http://back2dabike.wordpress.com

Mahalo.

Well, it’s been awhile. I started this when I was working through some issues and this was a good outlet to discuss issues and thoughts in ‘private’. Ironic, I know. In doing all that, you can see in some of my previous posts, I bought a bicycle.

Life changing.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed riding until I got back on the saddle. As far as hobbies go, this one has overtaken most of my more minor obsessions and has left me with more focused goals, for the better.

Other changes? Well, x-wife moved back to mainland, and sure enough – I haven’t heard from daughter2 except when the ex wanted something. No calls. Won’t talk when I call. No cards. No thank-you’s for the cards I send. And visitation? ha. The ex has ‘coincidentally’ scheduled my sweet girl’s summer full of activities and camps and clubs so that I would be a real monster (her words) to take her away from those just so I could selfishly (her words) see my daughter for a few weeks. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I could take legal action. Yeah, there is more to it. Nah, I’m not going to spend 5 pages talking about it all here.

Work is good. My weight is better. And I’m happier.

On to the selfish reason for updating this blog… I have a new one. Just for my biking.

http://back2dabike.wordpress.com/

To sound cliche, you can see the new me there…

Oh, other updates… over a year now without a drop of alcohol, and much better for it! Still fanatically addicted to coffee, though.

…so, I miss my Roomba.  We got it several months ago and he worked great.  We named him Mr. Crabs, like from Spongebob.  He stopped charging.  Thought it was the battery, based on charger indications so I ordered a new $50 battery.  Same problem.  So, I shipped it back to iRobot for a warranty exchange.  Can’t wait to get a robot vacuum back.  It was really nice to have.

Well, daughter1 and I went to dinner the other night.  I know, I know – just the two of us!  Don’t pass out… it was a really pleasant evening.  We had sushi and ice cream.  She never eats sushi.  She actually tried some things she didn’t think she’d like.  She even helps out around the house more consistently.  Not a lot, but anything is an improvement.  She still spends most of her time in her room watching tv or sleeping while I’m home and awake.  But there’s been some invisible wall that has slowly weathered away over the last couple of months.

But, then the dad in me has to go back to being a dad.  I let her try out a new kids online chat site the other day.  She had some friends that use it, so I looked at it and said she could go there.  Last night, I caught her chatting about rough sex stuff with some Jake kid (guy?).  He was telling her he likes cuffs and whips, etc.  She maintains that she wasn’t ‘cybering’, because he was just telling her what he likes, and they weren’t discussing or engaging in it online.  What kind of line is that?!  I haven’t done anything other than tell her that any discussion of sex practices online is wrong and will get her banned from the site and grounded from the computer.

Oh, and I have started having login problems to some sites like email.  Related?  Ran Ad-aware.  Nothing showed.

…so it’s been awhile since I posted… last one was 1st week of July.

Well, still no drinking or smoking or carbonated beverages. Still drinking a lot of coffee. Still hate my life, just not as much. Things are improving. Slowly. But improving.

I woke up totally depressed this morning. Can’t seem to shake it. I write here when I’m troubled and depressed. So, that should mean that the last few months have been better. And they have, mostly. Here’s the quick rundown on the ups and downs:

Still biking. In fact I did 50 miles in the Honolulu Century Ride in Sept! Logging about 200 miles a month on the bike between commuting and weekend rides. I’ve started planning a bicycling tour of the big island next spring. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in going yet. I’m still trying to develop a new network of friends who share biking as an interest. By that I mean, I … well … ok, so I’m not trying. I enjoy riding by myself mostly.

The X-wife and x-best friend and all the kids moved to Georgia in early Sept. I miss seeing my daughter, but the move will be better in the long run for all involved. My wife is less stressed about having to see the X all the time at the store and driving around.

My wife and I are doing slightly better. She did the MediFast thing for about 2 weeks. It was rough, but she lost about 10 lbs. Then she quit the diet. We still sleep in seperate rooms. She sleeps with the baby in the baby’s room. The baby used to sleep with us, but wouldn’t sleep the whole night. I say baby, but she’s already 19 months old. Point is, I convinced my wife that the baby should sleep in her own room. We can use a baby monitor and everything. So, she does now. So does my wife. It was depressing for a couple months, but I’m used to it now. Once in a while, she will come and lay down with me for an hour or two until the baby stirs. And she is still breastfeeding. The baby is huge. She’s tall and big and can say basic words. It gets creepy (to me) when a child can get up from her toys, walk across the room, climb into my wifes lap, pull my wifes shirt down, say “milk.milk.milk”, and go to town. But I’m an a**hole and have issues with nurturing because I don’t think that’s normal. So, I should get counseling. More counseling. There’s more on similar subjects, but I have a lot to cover here…

My daughter1 and I are getting along better. I walked into the living room last week, and she didn’t get up and leave. After about 20 minutes, SHE started a conversation with me! I couldn’t believe it. She still ignores me on the days that matter, just to make sure I don’t think she actually cares. My birthday was on the 3rd. Neither my daughter or my wife got me anything or said happy birthday. I bought my own cake that night. They went to different rooms to eat theirs. My wife did give me a card that said something to the effect of getting old and losing my memory and how did I like my present. How horribly mean was that!? So, I went out that night and bought myself a new computer chair. I figure the $5 chair lasted for 15 years, it was time for a new one.

I know, you’re thinking “wow… what did you do that caused that?” and I don’t have an answer for you…

Well, what else… oh, my trucks transmission went out. I’m trying to save the money to get it fixed. Horribly expensive. Nothing is cheap in Hawaii.

Not everything is always bad with my family. We went camping last month and it was awesome. Had a great time! And other good things have happened. But here, I write about the bad or depressing items to work them out in my head and get them out so I can move on with whatever it is I should really be thinking about.

Oh, and there’s a whole new development, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. A lot of memories and reminiscing. But… later…

For now, remember that life is a bottle of Tabasco. What you do now will burn your ass later…

Almost forgot about my nice little Sunday bike ride.  Took Xson2 and daughter2 on a bike ride down around the harbor on Sunday.  Nice little ride.  Great bike route.  We stopped at the bike shop and they looked at bikes.  Xson2 has saved up a little money ($500) and didn’t know what to spend it on, now he’s considering a bike.  Cool.

I like my bike.  This is good and healthy for me…

…so, another holiday come and gone.  Daughter1 went to friends for fireworks.  Wife took daughter3 for walk to watch fireworks.  I got ready for work and went to bed.

I commuted to work via bicycle for the first time today.  Feels good.  Saving money.  Saving gas.  Spending calories.

Wife nervous about my mom coming out.  Mom will be here for a couple weeks.  My brother lives nearby, so she won’t be staying at either place the whole time, she’ll be sharing her time between us.  But, my wife’s already worrying herself sick and into a frenzy for no reason (at least from my perspective.  if I could adjust myself to her point of view, add empathy, and get inside her head to see what was really bugging her; I might have a better understanding of her concern).

And, daughter1 still hates my guts.  We went for a bike ride together to find the cellphone that had apparently dropped out of her pocket (note: phone was picked up by some other kids at a park my daughter says she didn’t go to).  Anyway, she’s 12 and if you’re under 18 here you have to wear a helmet.  She doesn’t have one (because she complained to her mom about the last 3 so she wouldn’t have to wear them, so my wife is convinced that they just don’t make one that fits her head), so I told her to wear mine.  She almost cried.  Then she said no.  Then she said it was f***ing stupid.  Then she said I was an f***ing a**hole.  I stood my ground and didn’t let up, didn’t yell, didn’t exchange insults.  Simply said that she’s required to by law, and that she’ll wear one atleast when riding with me.  So, she hates my guts…

…I am an a**hole and I hate my life, but feel good about how I handled the helmet issue.

My wife is starting medifast today.  I may start it next payday.  We’ll see.

Until later, have a better day than me…

Oh, and I made it through the 4 1/2 day weekend without any alcohol!!!  I can’t even remember how many weeks it’s been now!!!  Getting to that stage where I don’t even think about it when I’m around it…

…so, my wife and I had a little bit of a talk (polite and constructive).  We both agreed that changes need to be made by both of us (all three of us really), even if we don’t agree on what changes need to be made or how to make them.

What does that mean?  Well, it means that we were able to agree that all three of us had weight problems, that all three of us have social issues, and that all three of us need help of various kinds.  What we couldn’t agree on is how to make those changes or exactly what needed to change.

For now, my efforts to get back in shape have been unsuccessful.  I need something different.  Something I know worked for me in the past.  Well, back in 1986 I bought a Raleigh Pursuit 12 speed that I rode everywhere.  I was totally in love with that bike and with riding.  I sold it 2 years later and have regretted it since.  I weighed 165 lbs (at same height of 6′4″) when I sold the bike and have steadily gained weight since up to my current 265 lbs.

So, Saturday I’m buying a bike for commuting to and from work.  I’ve poked around and have (so far) settled on a Specialized Sirrus hybrid.  I’m getting a new one for $499.  It’s not too expensive, should be durable enough for daily riding.  I can store it in my shop, and there are shower facilities at work.

My wife has decided to go on MediFast.  I think this will work.  Another neighbor has been on it for a while and has dropped a total of 110 lbs.  My wife has already been seeing a counselor, and I’ve agreed to do more than my weekly group meeting.  My daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist, and will continue (though I’m not sure sitting in front of a light is the appropriate therapy for her. I don’t see how that helps her social issues such as inconsideration, laziness, selfishness… ok I shouldn’t be doing this).

In summary, I’m going to get some one on one counselor time, start riding a bike again to get back into something I loved so long ago, and we’re all going to make an effort to lose weight.

All I have to do is learn to live with a dirty house or make time to clean it myself…

…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

…so, I'm tired.  Tired of coming home after work and doing laundry.  Tired of coming home after work and picking trash up off the floor.  Tired of coming home to put food away from the night before.  Tired of coming home to empty milk containers that are sitting on the counter 6 feet from the trash can.  Tired of coming home to a full trash can.  Tired of coming home to clean up after an adult and a 12yr old because they "couldn't get anything done".  Tired of not being able to say anything because the adult will get mad that my expectations are too high.  Tired of being told that if I say anything about cat vomit on the floor, I'm being mean.  Tired of it… just tired…

I'm depressed.  I'm emotionally drained.  There is too much wrong with this relationship to try and fix.  The relationship with my 12yr old is permanently broken.  My wife does not allow me to have any discussions with her because I'm too mean – since I can't accept her the way she is.  I thought that if you had a 12yr old that was over 300lbs and had incredibly bad eating habits (read: eats whatever/whenever because mom can't say no), that you were supposed to help them.  So, I say no when she wants a bowl of icecream (by bowl, I mean atleast measured cups) after huge (read: enough for 3 people) meal.  Therefore, I'm mean.  My wife 'takes care' of her by letting her have the huge bowl of icecream later, after I've gone to bed.  My wife supports my 12yr old's sleeping habits so as to avoid any contact with me.  She sleeps anytime I am home and awake, and is up watching tv, reading, and playing on the computer while I am at work or sleeping.

My 12yr old daughter successfully made it through the entire Father's Day without saying a single word to me.  Nothing.  The only thing she did was to sign her name on a card under duress that my wife picked out.

I hate this… everything…  why did I choose to do this?  Things were soooo different 3 years ago.

I don't have any feelings left… just drained…

…just tired…

…so, I’ve been reflecting over the last couple of weeks looking for something inspiring and thoughtful to write – and I am trekking down the karma path again.  I feel like my place in life is to get close to understanding; get close to a known, a truth, a full realization of an abstract definition… only to find that I kick the can of enlightenment out of my reach again (not out of sight – just to make it more painful).

The miserable point of this is that I don’t directly remove the knowledge and truth about the subject (life, love, marriage, work, happiness, how to tip at dinner theatre’s) right at that moment right before epiphany(sp?).  I find that I’ve kicked the can out of reach sometime before. Maybe days, weeks, or even years.  It just sits in wait as I constantly attempt to adjust my life and my ways – until the light starts to get brighter, then it springs forth as furious as the day the regret was born.  And again, I get zapped by the karma monster.

Well, anyway… here’s some good things to refocus my attention before I fully bake in the depression for the day:

I haven’t had any alcohol in over 9 weeks.

I started working on my degree finally.

My wife says that the only reason I haven’t cheated on her is that I haven’t had the opportunity.

(ok, that last one wasn’t good – but I just can’t shake it… and she said it 4 days ago.)

Back to the college… I’ve taken a few CLEP’s.  I’m amazed at how much knowledge about random stuff I’ve accumulated over the years.  I’m a high school graduate.  I turned 18 in boot camp (17 years ago).

I CLEP’d out of: Social Sciences and History (6sh), College Algebra (3sh), English Composition (6sh), English Composition with Essay (6sh), Humanities (6sh), and Introductory Psychology (3sh).  Yep, I passed them all.  Tomorrow I take Introductory Sociology.  Then I take the courses that I know I can’t CLEP out of:  Calculus II, General Chemistry, Statistics, and Computer Programming.

Ok, that worked.  I’m sufficiently refocused.  Then I’ll be the 4th out of 5 in my immediate family to get a degree (even though I’m the oldest kid).  My Mom and younger brother both have Masters Degree’s, and my Dad has a BA.  Mine will be a BSAST (Bachelor[sp?] of Science in Associated Science Technology with a major in Nuclear Engineering Technology).  Of course, my Mom’s Masters in Education looks impressive and my younger brother is a lawyer.  So, maybe I’ll have to get a second degree.  That just leaves my youngest brother.  He’s in finance and is the smartest of all 5 of us.  He gets too easily bored with the general subjects.  I’ll have to talk to him about the CLEP’s.

Well, this was good therapy.  I feel better and need to shower and get ready for work.  This blog thing is good therapy.

…oh, and to help get the karma can moving down the field in the other direction, I helped my daughter1’s friend’s mom out by fixing a flat…

…but, don’t let me forget to talk about daughter2 and ex-son2 – just not right now…