…catching up…

…so it’s been awhile since I posted… last one was 1st week of July.

Well, still no drinking or smoking or carbonated beverages. Still drinking a lot of coffee. Still hate my life, just not as much. Things are improving. Slowly. But improving.

I woke up totally depressed this morning. Can’t seem to shake it. I write here when I’m troubled and depressed. So, that should mean that the last few months have been better. And they have, mostly. Here’s the quick rundown on the ups and downs:

Still biking. In fact I did 50 miles in the Honolulu Century Ride in Sept! Logging about 200 miles a month on the bike between commuting and weekend rides. I’ve started planning a bicycling tour of the big island next spring. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in going yet. I’m still trying to develop a new network of friends who share biking as an interest. By that I mean, I … well … ok, so I’m not trying. I enjoy riding by myself mostly.

The X-wife and x-best friend and all the kids moved to Georgia in early Sept. I miss seeing my daughter, but the move will be better in the long run for all involved. My wife is less stressed about having to see the X all the time at the store and driving around.

My wife and I are doing slightly better. She did the MediFast thing for about 2 weeks. It was rough, but she lost about 10 lbs. Then she quit the diet. We still sleep in seperate rooms. She sleeps with the baby in the baby’s room. The baby used to sleep with us, but wouldn’t sleep the whole night. I say baby, but she’s already 19 months old. Point is, I convinced my wife that the baby should sleep in her own room. We can use a baby monitor and everything. So, she does now. So does my wife. It was depressing for a couple months, but I’m used to it now. Once in a while, she will come and lay down with me for an hour or two until the baby stirs. And she is still breastfeeding. The baby is huge. She’s tall and big and can say basic words. It gets creepy (to me) when a child can get up from her toys, walk across the room, climb into my wifes lap, pull my wifes shirt down, say “milk.milk.milk”, and go to town. But I’m an a**hole and have issues with nurturing because I don’t think that’s normal. So, I should get counseling. More counseling. There’s more on similar subjects, but I have a lot to cover here…

My daughter1 and I are getting along better. I walked into the living room last week, and she didn’t get up and leave. After about 20 minutes, SHE started a conversation with me! I couldn’t believe it. She still ignores me on the days that matter, just to make sure I don’t think she actually cares. My birthday was on the 3rd. Neither my daughter or my wife got me anything or said happy birthday. I bought my own cake that night. They went to different rooms to eat theirs. My wife did give me a card that said something to the effect of getting old and losing my memory and how did I like my present. How horribly mean was that!? So, I went out that night and bought myself a new computer chair. I figure the $5 chair lasted for 15 years, it was time for a new one.

I know, you’re thinking “wow… what did you do that caused that?” and I don’t have an answer for you…

Well, what else… oh, my trucks transmission went out. I’m trying to save the money to get it fixed. Horribly expensive. Nothing is cheap in Hawaii.

Not everything is always bad with my family. We went camping last month and it was awesome. Had a great time! And other good things have happened. But here, I write about the bad or depressing items to work them out in my head and get them out so I can move on with whatever it is I should really be thinking about.

Oh, and there’s a whole new development, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. A lot of memories and reminiscing. But… later…

For now, remember that life is a bottle of Tabasco. What you do now will burn your ass later…

…expensive…

…so, I just paid for my first ever college textbooks.  Holy Crap!!!  No wonder I joined the Navy and didn’t go to college – books are expensive.  The Navy is paying for my tuition costs, but I had to shell out $160 for a book with CD (used) and a student guide manual.

This is for one course.  But, I suppose many of you already know this.  I’m just catching up and am in a little bit of shock.

Just have to remind myself that I’m only taking one course a semester, and there’s only 3 left after this first one…

…gotta love work experience credit…

…changes…

…so, my wife and I had a little bit of a talk (polite and constructive).  We both agreed that changes need to be made by both of us (all three of us really), even if we don’t agree on what changes need to be made or how to make them.

What does that mean?  Well, it means that we were able to agree that all three of us had weight problems, that all three of us have social issues, and that all three of us need help of various kinds.  What we couldn’t agree on is how to make those changes or exactly what needed to change.

For now, my efforts to get back in shape have been unsuccessful.  I need something different.  Something I know worked for me in the past.  Well, back in 1986 I bought a Raleigh Pursuit 12 speed that I rode everywhere.  I was totally in love with that bike and with riding.  I sold it 2 years later and have regretted it since.  I weighed 165 lbs (at same height of 6′4″) when I sold the bike and have steadily gained weight since up to my current 265 lbs.

So, Saturday I’m buying a bike for commuting to and from work.  I’ve poked around and have (so far) settled on a Specialized Sirrus hybrid.  I’m getting a new one for $499.  It’s not too expensive, should be durable enough for daily riding.  I can store it in my shop, and there are shower facilities at work.

My wife has decided to go on MediFast.  I think this will work.  Another neighbor has been on it for a while and has dropped a total of 110 lbs.  My wife has already been seeing a counselor, and I’ve agreed to do more than my weekly group meeting.  My daughter has been seeing a psychiatrist, and will continue (though I’m not sure sitting in front of a light is the appropriate therapy for her. I don’t see how that helps her social issues such as inconsideration, laziness, selfishness… ok I shouldn’t be doing this).

In summary, I’m going to get some one on one counselor time, start riding a bike again to get back into something I loved so long ago, and we’re all going to make an effort to lose weight.

All I have to do is learn to live with a dirty house or make time to clean it myself…

…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

…quiet watch…

…so, I'm just sitting around enjoying a nice quiet Memorial Day weekend.  Nothing too exciting.  Went for a drive to a Kaneohe beach last night.  Very nice.  Very quiet.  My sweet little 14 month old girl decided she didn't like the taste of the little hawaiian acorns.

The ex called.  Says my daughter finally learned to ride her bike without training wheels.  That's cool.  I'll have to go by and see her this week to watch her ride her bike.  If it's like anything else she's learned to do, she'll be all smiles for days and want to show off for everyone.  She's so cute.

Really, all three of my girls are sweet and cute in their own ways.

Anyway, I have spent my free time over the last week buffing up on my html.  I have given up on my Dreamweaver program.  Sites that promote open source code have inspired me to go back to the 'old-days' of hand coding.

I've taken up XHTML and CSS.  With these you can build absolutely beautiful sites, with not a lot of hand coding frustrations.  I got into using Dreamweaver because I got tired of hand coding table layouts.  Now I'm free.

Hopefully soon I'll be uploading my first template to openwebdesign.org.

What else… well, I did apply for a part time job.  Yes it will totally suck.  No, I'm not going to say more about it yet…

For now, I'm going to make some coffee and watch some t.v… 

…bad karma?…

…so, I was driving home after my morning workout (yes, I'm finally trying to actively do something positive for my body besides quitting things [I've quit alcohol, nicotine, and all carbonated soda]) (<— look at that – nested notes )

Anyway… driving home, and I passed that same homeless guy I made the post about on the 15th.  This time I didn't give any handouts.  His sign says 'Help a Vet'.  Since I'm military, should I be helping this guy out more so than someone who has signs like these: 'Help a Bum', or 'Homeless, need money', or even one this bold (though I don't think the homeless would actually wear a shirt like this) 'Need money for alcohol research'?

Anyway, lets see how today goes.  Is there a religion based on karma?  Without googling anything, I believe that hinduism has a lot to do with it.  Any others?  Maybe we need a karma religion.  Though, I suppose it would be a philosophy by definition.  And, well, it kind of already is a philosophy.  So… maybe we just need to set up a formal organization of karmic students to study and follow the philosophy of karma…

In fact, we could meet once a month, incorporate some ideas out of the AA program, and the TV show 'My name is Earl'.  We could have a support group and talk about progress on our karma lists.  We would need a meeting place.  A formal organization like this would need it's own building to be taken seriously.  Of course, that would mean money from donations.

Can you pay off karma?  Would it bring bad karma on the person accepting the money?  For karma to work, doesn't someone eventually have to effectively say 'no' and stop the cycle?

…so, while I get ready for work this morning, I'm going to dig around for a couple extra bucks for that homeless guy… time to work on paying off my bad karma…

Good thing I'm getting a part time job to supplement my income…

…another poker night…

…so, I sat down for a tournament game last night at a new place.  It was a tournament with an extremely wallet friendly $10 buy in.  It should have been an easy table to win at.  I'd played with a couple of them before and kinda knew what to expect from them.  Everyone (except me) was drinking and having a good time.  Nearly every hand was a limp-in for everybody, and there were LOTS of checks until the river.

I was the first one out.

What happened?  Well, I was throwing away a lot of hands that most of the other guys would have stayed with… like 10 and 8 offsuit, or 4 and K offsuit…  and while they were busy taking turns raking in small pots with hands like a pair of tens, I sat out and watched.

Then I got a hand worth raising a little pre-flop.  AJ diamonds.  So, on a big blind of 30, I raised it to 60 (and I was the big blind).  Everyone called.  I didn't hit the flop, and the guy to my right checked.  I led out like it didn't matter if I didn't hit the flop with a bet of 60.  Everyone called.  The turn didn't help, but I couldn't check or I'd give away what I was in on.  I wanted to represent a pocket pair that hit the flop or turn, so I raised up my bet to 150.  Finally a couple people folded.  Two stayed in.  After the river (which also didn't help me), I led out with 200.  One caller.  I had Ace High, but was bluffing.  I figured the guy who stayed had a big hand and would re-raise to see where I really stood, or fold.  He just called, and his 10 and 6 hole cards netted him a two pair.  He was in the hand for over 80% of his chips with a two pair that he caught on the river.

So, after that I took two more smaller hits, lost a pair of Aces to a full house and I can't even remember the last one.  I was all in blind on my last hand as the big blind with 3 callers and lost.

…(whistles): "it was a crazy game of poker, and I lost it all"… O.A.R.

And I pretty much don't like poker anymore… atleast for a day or two… I'm pouting…

Lesson: cheap games are not serious games.

… and for those wondering, yes – I made it through another night without drinking…

6 weeks and counting…

…unsettled…

…wow, really tense today.  I mean right on the edge of agitated.  Can’t shake it.  Atleast I’m not floating around through the day drifting through half a dozen unfinished projects.  A tense, agitated, somber mood invokes the ability to concentrate and focus.

So, I’m actually accomplishing minor projects, meaning I’m completing them with some level of order and direction.

I drink a LOT of coffee…  didn’t realize just how much before.  With no alcohol, no nicotine ( I haven’t smoked or dipped in over a year), does coffee have a larger role in my daily mood?  Does it play a larger part in guiding my emotions and reactions?

Hmmmm…  things to think about.

I need another job.  Not change jobs, I love the Navy.  I mean a supplemental part-time income.  I’m on shore duty for a couple more years, and my hours are not too tough.  I suppose I could do customer service somewhere.  I’ll just have to watch my language.

Really, it’s either get a second job or take out a loan to pay for gas.  I mean – wow… what is going on?  Is there a conspiracy to drive people towards the alternative fuel and electric vehicles due to lackluster sales?  They’ve invested tons of money in the technology, too much to have sales of these alternative vehicles show up as barely a blip.

Personally, I’m interested in the big engine muscle cars.  But, it costs me.

…so, a second job…

“Welcome to WalMart”

…marriage : R140107ZMAY06

…wow, my marriage sucks.  I don't even really have a marriage.  I have a woman that I live with that I have kids with that I give money to for groceries and clothes and stuff.  What a mothers day.  Flowers and chocolates and dinner out at her favorite place still, though…

Maybe I just don't like mothers day.  Actually, I don't really feel like participating in any holidays.  I don't just not like them, I hate them.  I hate my birthday, christmas, easter… all of them!…

Lets see – self analyzation:  holidays remind me of what a failure I am as a husband, a father and a son.  I'm like a huge disappointment walking around in human clothes.  Smile, shake hands, make 'friends'.  All only lead to me being someone everyone would have been better off not meeting.

I really think I have a negative effect on every persons life I come in contact with.

Better stop reading…