…dead reckoning…

[-ramblings of a lost sailor-]

Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

…to do it or not…

…short update…

Posted by Chief on September 10, 2007

Well, I still haven’t fixed my truck transmission. However, I have cleaned out the garage, built two workbenches, and organized everything – so at least I have space to start fixing it. That project is coming closer and closer. Of course, not driving it has been great. However, I have enjoyed the savings in gas from not driving the truck. It’s been a year to the month, and I used to spend almost $200/mo in gas to drive the truck. So, the transmission is essentially paid for in gas savings.

Let’s see, other news… ummm… oh, yeah – I had shingles in late July and most of August. That was loads of fun. I couldn’t ride my bike for three and a half weeks. I finally started riding my bike again after the shingles cleared up, and then I sprained my right knee. So, I’m waiting for that to heal up. I pulled my MCL, the ligament on the inner side of my knee. I’ll be getting an x-ray and an MRI this week to see if there is any other damage. But, still can’t ride the bike.

I finished my chemistry class. I only have one class left to get my degree. I haven’t started it yet. I’m thinking early next year. Too much other stuff going on, and this last class, Calculus II, will be the hardest one.

I’m getting my pilot license. I’ve had 4 flights so far. This is something I should have done years and years ago. So much fun. Amazing. Possibly a backup plan for after I retire from the Navy.

I have quit trying to maintain contact with my daughter2 (lives in Georgia with my ex). My ex was awful. She absolutely drove the poor girl to tears every time I called. She had to have me on the speaker phone, and would only say what her mom was telling her to say. What a bunch of crap. So, I was never even talking to her, I was really talking to my ex. The emotional strain was horrible. She doesn’t need that kind of pressure and conflict. I finally decided that she would be better off if I just never called… Anything anyone will say about how I am not trying hard enough or doing the right things did not see what was happening. I’d rather she grow up hating me and thinking I gave up than suffer the constant emotional abuse from her mother. As far as karma goes, I’m sure this will come back to bite later. This will be a big old karma sandwich I’ll have to choke down. My only hope is that after she is out on her own, I can make contact and start repairs to the relationship. If not, I’ll have to live with that.

Other than that? Well, I’ve been sober for over 17 months now. Not a drink. After you balance the ledger with the good and the bad, the balance comes out that I’m doing good…

Posted in Depression, Family, Navy, Truck, Writing, alcoholism, bicycle, biking, karma | Leave a Comment »

…catching up…

Posted by Chief on May 27, 2007

Well, it’s been awhile. I started this when I was working through some issues and this was a good outlet to discuss issues and thoughts in ‘private’. Ironic, I know. In doing all that, you can see in some of my previous posts, I bought a bicycle.

Life changing.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed riding until I got back on the saddle. As far as hobbies go, this one has overtaken most of my more minor obsessions and has left me with more focused goals, for the better.

Other changes? Well, x-wife moved back to mainland, and sure enough – I haven’t heard from daughter2 except when the ex wanted something. No calls. Won’t talk when I call. No cards. No thank-you’s for the cards I send. And visitation? ha. The ex has ‘coincidentally’ scheduled my sweet girl’s summer full of activities and camps and clubs so that I would be a real monster (her words) to take her away from those just so I could selfishly (her words) see my daughter for a few weeks. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I could take legal action. Yeah, there is more to it. Nah, I’m not going to spend 5 pages talking about it all here.

Work is good. My weight is better. And I’m happier.

On to the selfish reason for updating this blog… I have a new one. Just for my biking.

http://back2dabike.wordpress.com/

To sound cliche, you can see the new me there…

Oh, other updates… over a year now without a drop of alcohol, and much better for it! Still fanatically addicted to coffee, though.

Posted in Depression, Family, Hawaii, Writing, alcoholism, karma | 2 Comments »

…my place…

Posted by Chief on June 14, 2006

…so, I’ve been reflecting over the last couple of weeks looking for something inspiring and thoughtful to write – and I am trekking down the karma path again.  I feel like my place in life is to get close to understanding; get close to a known, a truth, a full realization of an abstract definition… only to find that I kick the can of enlightenment out of my reach again (not out of sight – just to make it more painful).

The miserable point of this is that I don’t directly remove the knowledge and truth about the subject (life, love, marriage, work, happiness, how to tip at dinner theatre’s) right at that moment right before epiphany(sp?).  I find that I’ve kicked the can out of reach sometime before. Maybe days, weeks, or even years.  It just sits in wait as I constantly attempt to adjust my life and my ways – until the light starts to get brighter, then it springs forth as furious as the day the regret was born.  And again, I get zapped by the karma monster.

Well, anyway… here’s some good things to refocus my attention before I fully bake in the depression for the day:

I haven’t had any alcohol in over 9 weeks.

I started working on my degree finally.

My wife says that the only reason I haven’t cheated on her is that I haven’t had the opportunity.

(ok, that last one wasn’t good – but I just can’t shake it… and she said it 4 days ago.)

Back to the college… I’ve taken a few CLEP’s.  I’m amazed at how much knowledge about random stuff I’ve accumulated over the years.  I’m a high school graduate.  I turned 18 in boot camp (17 years ago).

I CLEP’d out of: Social Sciences and History (6sh), College Algebra (3sh), English Composition (6sh), English Composition with Essay (6sh), Humanities (6sh), and Introductory Psychology (3sh).  Yep, I passed them all.  Tomorrow I take Introductory Sociology.  Then I take the courses that I know I can’t CLEP out of:  Calculus II, General Chemistry, Statistics, and Computer Programming.

Ok, that worked.  I’m sufficiently refocused.  Then I’ll be the 4th out of 5 in my immediate family to get a degree (even though I’m the oldest kid).  My Mom and younger brother both have Masters Degree’s, and my Dad has a BA.  Mine will be a BSAST (Bachelor[sp?] of Science in Associated Science Technology with a major in Nuclear Engineering Technology).  Of course, my Mom’s Masters in Education looks impressive and my younger brother is a lawyer.  So, maybe I’ll have to get a second degree.  That just leaves my youngest brother.  He’s in finance and is the smartest of all 5 of us.  He gets too easily bored with the general subjects.  I’ll have to talk to him about the CLEP’s.

Well, this was good therapy.  I feel better and need to shower and get ready for work.  This blog thing is good therapy.

…oh, and to help get the karma can moving down the field in the other direction, I helped my daughter1’s friend’s mom out by fixing a flat…

…but, don’t let me forget to talk about daughter2 and ex-son2 – just not right now… 

Posted in Depression, Family, Navy, Writing, alcoholism, karma | Leave a Comment »

…quiet watch…

Posted by Chief on May 29, 2006

…so, I'm just sitting around enjoying a nice quiet Memorial Day weekend.  Nothing too exciting.  Went for a drive to a Kaneohe beach last night.  Very nice.  Very quiet.  My sweet little 14 month old girl decided she didn't like the taste of the little hawaiian acorns.

The ex called.  Says my daughter finally learned to ride her bike without training wheels.  That's cool.  I'll have to go by and see her this week to watch her ride her bike.  If it's like anything else she's learned to do, she'll be all smiles for days and want to show off for everyone.  She's so cute.

Really, all three of my girls are sweet and cute in their own ways.

Anyway, I have spent my free time over the last week buffing up on my html.  I have given up on my Dreamweaver program.  Sites that promote open source code have inspired me to go back to the 'old-days' of hand coding.

I've taken up XHTML and CSS.  With these you can build absolutely beautiful sites, with not a lot of hand coding frustrations.  I got into using Dreamweaver because I got tired of hand coding table layouts.  Now I'm free.

Hopefully soon I'll be uploading my first template to openwebdesign.org.

What else… well, I did apply for a part time job.  Yes it will totally suck.  No, I'm not going to say more about it yet…

For now, I'm going to make some coffee and watch some t.v… 

Posted in Depression, Family, Hawaii, Money, Writing, karma | 2 Comments »

…marriage : R140107ZMAY06

Posted by Chief on May 13, 2006

…wow, my marriage sucks.  I don't even really have a marriage.  I have a woman that I live with that I have kids with that I give money to for groceries and clothes and stuff.  What a mothers day.  Flowers and chocolates and dinner out at her favorite place still, though…

Maybe I just don't like mothers day.  Actually, I don't really feel like participating in any holidays.  I don't just not like them, I hate them.  I hate my birthday, christmas, easter… all of them!…

Lets see – self analyzation:  holidays remind me of what a failure I am as a husband, a father and a son.  I'm like a huge disappointment walking around in human clothes.  Smile, shake hands, make 'friends'.  All only lead to me being someone everyone would have been better off not meeting.

I really think I have a negative effect on every persons life I come in contact with.

Better stop reading…

Posted in Depression, Family, Money, Writing, alcoholism | Leave a Comment »